So quick to forget..

I'm tired of a lot of things. I've been told, "maybe you should seek help.." or "talk to your family or friends about it.." That doesn't work. Oh well, right? Anyways, the Panthers beat the Bucs in a battle to be on top in the NFC South. Go Panthers!

"..the strangest twist upon your lips...and we shall be together.."

I hate my life. I really, really do.

The only thing I tend to live for nowadays are my family. I don't even live life for myself. If I did, I'd be in college, married, or be in a relationship where I'm not messing something up. I don't want to let anyone in anymore. Either I hurt them which hurts me, or they hurt me which hurts me even more. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to be. I got family that seems to get along without me. Like today, I went and saw Four Christmases with Rachel, Daniel and Dad. And before breakfast, they all talked about stuff that just didn't involve me. I sat in one area whilst they talk in another. And during the movie, when Dad was laughing, he turned to Daniel to laugh and say comments and stuff. Not with me. Or like last night when I planned for everyone to meet at Rachel's to draw names, we did it and scattered. If Adam or Rachel organized it, they'd love it. Maybe if I had iPods and Toyotas like Daniel or an Apartment like Rachel or kids and a wife like Joe...or anything...people would like me. Maybe i'd like me. But if I'm depressed or sad, it's like, "Ok Jacob..whatever." Ok, guys. I won't bother you with me anymore. Sorry I've been a burden. Oh and Mom...sorry I'm such a horrible guest in your big fancy, unnecessary house of yours. I do hate living with you sometimes. And your wife too. Just leave me alone.

Drawing the line.

If this past week has taught me anything, it's to refrain from religious conversations with certain people. The thing that sucks the most is that some of the people I love the most fall under that category of "certain people." I love my Father in Heaven. I love the Savior. And I do have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ! I know that the church is true. I know for a fact that the Book of Mormon is the WORD OF GOD! Yes, Mother...get over yourself! And learn to agree to disagree. Let's just say I'm wrong and you're right. What's there to prove? You live your life believing what you believe and we'll do the same. There's no need for us kids to know why you think the LDS church is false. Nobody CARES why you think it is. And I could give 2 and 1/2 shits less about these "concrete details" you speak of.

And I will never, ever consider dating outside of my religion. It's completely ridiculous to think you could make something work when only one of you has the Gospel in your life. I haven't lived a perfect life, that's for sure. But I want to live as righteous as I can each and every day. And drinking is A SIN!!! I don't care what scripture says what. And the Savior turning water into wine...wow...every f*cking protestant pulls that shit They want to argue it to justify it so that they may continue to live unholy. To continue living offensive to God! Wine 2000+ years ago isn't like wine today. It was a juice. A sacred, holy drink used in a holy, sacred manner. Now' it's polluted with alcohol. AHHH!!!! Why do I even give a shit?!? And I even had the last word. Every protestant out there lives by this very saying, "Eat, Drink, and be Marry. For tomorrow, we die."

sigh...

I know I'm right.

All the faces, all the voices blur.

So I must say that this past weekend was such a "fall" like weekend. Ok, so Friday night, I hung out with my sister Rachel. We went to El Torito and then decided to hit up Barnes and Noble. Well, this time of year being in there, it really captures that Christmas-like feel. The smell of coffee and the people with their coats and jackets. I love it. Even stores like K-Mart and Target are now playing Christmas music and have all of their decorations up. I just love, so much, this time of year. The cold weather, the jackets, the gloves, the "seeing your breath." It's just a great time of year. It seems more of a family-oriented time of year. PLus with Christmas, you get to celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. Which is the most important of all the great reasons of this wonderful time of year.

So at Barnes and Noble, my sister bought me a book that I'm excited to start reading as soon as I'm done with 'Charlotte Sometimes' by Penelope Farmer. The book Rachel got me was 'The Picture of Dorian Gray.' I'm pretty excited to start it. Anyways, this shit of an economy we have has taken a toll on me already. The small amount of hours I have at work have been cut. So I've been desperately searching for work. I sure hope something will come up. I got a few people that are willing to put their necks out on the line too. And I'm very much grateful for that too. I promise to everyone out there who reads this that I owe money for Burger King and books and stuff, that when I get better money rolling in, I'l take the tabs from now on. I love you all for being so Generous to me. I don't feel like I deserve it. And believe me, I know what you'll say too. "It's not the money, it's cause we love you. We don't care." <3.

I love my family. I love every single one of my family members with all of my heart. Thank you for being there for me. For loving me and being so unselfish with me. Being patient with me. Being understanding with me. I've been so blessed with such an amazing family. I know by just having the family I have been given how much My Father in Heaven truly loves me. Thank you!!! <3.

Death and All His Friends.

Things have gotten a lot better, I must say. With my ticket taken care of, my bills up to snuff, I feel like I can breathe a little easier. I'm really in need of a better paying job or a 2nd job. Because I really, really enjoy my job with The City. I've come to love working with kids. I really am ready to go to school though. I feel I have all of this free time on my hands and none of it is going to good use. I want to be doing stuff other adults are doing: Something with their lives. I'll get there.

Man, I suggest to anyone who reads this to go pick the Cure album titled "Disintegration." It is amazing. All of the songs within are simply heart-warming and sad. At least for me, they've been songs that remind you of better times. Remind you of times when things were simple. Lyrically, the songs are quite depressing; filled with self-loathing and regret. I enjoy it. Some might not. But I tend to put it on when I write and when I'm thinking and remembering. For instance, there's this song on there called "Last Dance." It's about being with someone you find attractive, but don't care about.

"I'm so glad you came, I'm so glad you remembered,
to see how we're ending our last dance together.
Expectant, too punctual, so prettier than ever,
I really believed that this time, It's forever.."

Sad. I suggest it to everyone I know. If I've put it on your Ipod, Rachel...then put it on.