Some things never change.

I always find myself dwelling on the past. Always thinking about old times. Remembering how events happened and how they've shaped where I'm at now. Sometimes I seriously dwell too hard. And it can be damaging. Damaging on the inside. Making me feel old. And I'm not old. I'm 22 years of age. I just miss how things use to be. How simple things were. Some people don't know how pathetic I was for taking the easy way out. It seems like I've been doing that all of my life. Taking the easy way out. Oh...school gets tough? My friends don't like me anymore? Ok, I'll run away and lay in bed forever hating my life. Oh...this job sucks. I actually have to do work? Screw it. I quit!

I don't know why I am the way I am. Whenever I find myself doing something odd or strange, I try to think of what happened in my past that made me so weird and strange. Because I really am a weird person. I really am strange. Some people may say, "No, Jacob...you're not weird. You're so smart. You're so clever and witty." I think I have a good sense of humor, i think I'm pretty witty at times. But not the way I use to be. I remember back before I dropped out of school and around the time when I first stopped going, my Mom would have these dinners or get-togethers for a birthday or something and everyone would ask me to do impersonations of someone or to quote SNL lines. And I'd do them and everyone loved them! But I don't have it like I use to. Now, I find myself saying stupid things to just get ANY attention. Or I continuously cross the line and offend someone or hurt someone's feelings. It seems like all these experiences of getting hurt or being made fun of and hating myself and my life from that time until now has molded me into someone thats unclever, unwitty and all around pathetic.

Life sure has a way of fucking you up when you least expect it. At least thats how I feel sometimes. It's tough too because when things start going good for you in life, thats when life decides to take another turn to burn you. To fuck with you. But in seriousness, it's all a test. It's all a matter of willpower when it comes to overcoming those curve balls, you know? And I think my point of all of this is that I've struck out every time. I've become a bench-warmer. Not even that. Not even a water-boy. Ok, enough with the analogies. But seriously...I've been nothing. I've been absolutely nothing. Nothing...for the last 22 years of existance. And I know what people would say too. "Then what can you do to change that?" or "Thats not true!" or "You've been my son." "You've been my brother." So? You've been my parents and all I've been is a disappointment. You've been my brother or my sister and as happy as I am for all of your hard-earned success, all it's done has reminded me of my existance as a failure.

Being in a job like mine is a lot of fun. Its been such a great place for me to work at. It really has been a blessing to me. I don't really know why actually. But, there's been times when I come home from work so happy. Kids can do that to you. They can remind you that good still exists in this world. This fucked up, liberal, disgusting world we wake up to every single day! But it's also sad to see these kids that are nut cases because like the saying goes, "The kids of today are our future." Thats not always a good thing, trust me.

Well, it's about 5:16AM and I'm going to get to see the sun come up. I fell asleep yesterday around 4:30PM and my family came over to have a BBQ and I'm disappointed that I missed it. But I did get to sleep from 4:30PM til' 2:30AM. It was so nice. Especially because I went about 6 days without any sleep. Getting this $1,132 ticket and having to pay $250 for reinstatement of my registration can kind of keep you from sleeping. Whatever...